SPEAKER_01 0:04

Hey there, Maurice Turner here, founder of the MindSite Academy, Eurocoach to Executive, Leader, Entrepreneur, and a Neuroleadership Trainer using insights from neuroscience to help you deliver results by learning to what matters, take control of your brain, manage your and others' emotions, change behaviors, flourish and exceed expectations. Welcome back to another episode of Lead2 Excel Podcast. I'm so free to be with you today because we have a special guest. But before we get into that, remember to subscribe to this podcast wherever you listen to it. Because it will help other people find it and give them the opportunity to understand how they can rewire their own brain to enable them to achieve their goals. So without wasting any more time, grab your cup of coffee or your drink or whatever that might be. Put your feet up and listen in. Welcome back to another episode of Lead to Excel Podcast. And today I am absolutely excited. I've got another special guest with us today. Her name is Tavish Williams. Now, Tavish, I'm not going to even say much because I want you to introduce yourself to our audience. So please introduce yourself.

SPEAKER_00 1:28

Yeah, thank you for having me, Maureen. I'm really excited to be here. So I am a relationship coach. I help professional women with their romantic relationships. And they can be in a relationship, they might be single. But if you're feeling stuck, confused, unsure how to actually create the relationship that you're wanting, I'm the person you come to. So yeah. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01 1:54

So yeah, when I met you, I went, oh my God, this is so exciting. I really love to have you on this on the program. So I'm so pleased you could join us. So yes, let's get into this relationship coaching. So in terms of, you know, when we say relationship coaching, a lot of people have different interpretations of what a relationship coach is. So who do you um is this specifically for partners in a personal life or is it relating to relationships in professionally as well? So how do you distinguish what you do, or do you have a niche or is it open?

SPEAKER_00 2:32

Okay, so yeah, I do focus when people come to me, it is for their romantic relationship, is what we really focus on. But it doesn't mean other relationships don't come up as we work on the romantic relationship. So there's times where we have done work and have worked with people on relationships at work, how that's impacting them creating space for a relationship, a romantic relationship. It might be a relationship with um their previous exes, spouses, exes in that term, that working on that relationship so that they can move forward for a healthy romantic relationship in the future. Also, might be uh working on a relationship that uh they have either with parents or people who raise them in order to also, it's all for the end goal of creating that romantic relationship that they're wanting. So other relationships come into it, but the focus always comes back to how is it going to impact the romantic relationship that they're wanting to create and themselves.

SPEAKER_01 3:37

Thank you so much. I'm actually quite curious. So you work with a mainly, is it busy women or professional women that are struggling in relationships or people that don't have time to form a relationship? So who do you work with mainly?

SPEAKER_00 3:55

So it's mainly professional women. You end up being busy, high achieving, really their center of genius is around their career and they're a go-getter in that area. But when it comes to relationships, they just haven't figured out what they need to be doing, why it's not working. So a lot of times my clients are very busy. Um, they're trying to get promotions or expand their business, or some are in school, so they're getting a PhD. Um, so it varies what they do, but they are driven, highly successful women.

SPEAKER_01 4:34

Right. Thank you so much. So, what do you do? How do you help them? You know, one of the things that keeps occurring to me is what steps or what actions would a woman, in a professional woman, really busy, do to really help her relationship move forward? What can she do? Because it's that whole thing of, like you said, trying to focus on work, looking after possibly children as well, and then coming back home to build a relationship. And I know it's a relationship that tends to suffer. So, how do you help them and what advocacy can they do to really help make this work?

SPEAKER_00 5:13

Yeah, so I think one of the biggest things, especially when we're busy, we automatically think that in order for the relationship to be healthy or create what we're wanting to create, we we need more time. And for the busy woman, it's there is no more time. I only have this amount of time to give. And it's realizing you can be super impactful with the time that you have. It's the mindset you go into when you actually um interact with your partner during that time. So the important thing, and I think the focal point is what is your mindset and what are you telling yourself as you spend that quality time as you interact with your partner that you're having? Because that's really what's going to create the relationship.

SPEAKER_01 6:03

Interesting. So, in terms of mindset, what mindset then do they need? What so when you say mindset, what do they need to do? Because you're absolutely right, it's the mindset that they have that makes the difference. So, what kind of mindset do they then need to make a relationship work?

SPEAKER_00 6:24

Yeah, so I mean, I feel like there's so many different mindsets that you can have. I think a couple of negative mindsets to be aware of are what I would start with is realizing when you're telling yourself, I'm too tired to do this, I'm too tired to engage, I'm too tired to be intimate, I'm too tired for this, that is going to definitely impact and create a different relationship than you want. Also, if you're telling yourself it's hard, like it's so hard to engage with this person, it's so hard to make this work, you will actually make it even harder with that mindset. So I think one of the things that I always go back to, and I do this for myself, and I'll ask my clients is like, why are you with this person? Like, what are these qualities that you love and reminding yourself? Like, that's what I'm wanting to engage with. I want to engage with those qualities so that you can bring the qualities to the situation, to the discussion, to whatever is going to happen beforehand. So it makes it super easy for that person to also then bring those qualities.

SPEAKER_01 7:32

I like that, and that's absolutely true, actually, because the I'm too tired, those negative thought processes, like you said, immediately end up creating the problem. And you know, I always say that what you focus on expands. So when you keep focusing on the fact that I'm tired, I'm tired, then that actually presents itself in so many ways and creates the problem. I like that. Um, I have a question, and I think you did answer it quite a bit. What are the main obstacles that you find that a lot of women, especially professional women, have to be able to create a good relationship? And I know you've mentioned some of these in terms of the mindset. What other obstacles do you find many of the women that you work with have?

SPEAKER_00 8:23

Yeah, so I would say it a lot of it, it's mindset. There's an idea of running out of time. So for those who want to get married and maybe are in a relationship where they're feeling like they're waiting on their partner to get on the same page as them, that they don't want to leave the relationship to go find someone who knows they want to get married because they're afraid they're gonna run out of time. Like, I need to stick with this person because we're already in this relationship, and I only have you know X amount of years to have kids left, and time sticking. So time ends up being one. Um, I think that other obstacles are feeling like you don't know for those who are single and feeling like they're repeating similar, same relationships, they don't know where to find the person, which it's interesting because I think oftentimes we think of it a as a logistics issue. Like I just can't find the right person. And it's actually not that at all. It is realizing that in order to find the right person, you have to become this person who attracts that right person that you're looking for. Because probably right now, the right quote unquote person could walk into your life, but you want to see them as the right person because you have all this, all the uh the drama and the thinking and the mindset that don't allow you to actually see what's in front of you. So I think those are two big obstacles that happen. Oh, and another one that I think comes up too is being able to have your own back with the decisions you make. So if you're gonna stay in a relationship, be all in staying. Don't waffle later later about it and be like, I should have left or I shouldn't have stayed. Now years have passed, and all that that will never serve you. If you're gonna leave, you leave and you go create what you want, but it's definitely having your own back about what you decide, not doubting it, because that relationship with yourself of whether you can trust yourself to make good decisions will be reflected in your relationship.

SPEAKER_01 10:32

Yeah, wow, that is that is deep. Yeah, that is that is interesting, yeah, because when you kind of have those negative thoughts, you know, when you're kind of like you said, when you're not all in, it does come out, it will, it will show. And also once you're not all in, you start picking up on all the negatives and all the problems and all the issues, and and that really doesn't help. Yeah, that's that's so true and so interesting. So I want to, you know, there's it's something I always hear because, for example, when women are saying they're too tired, this is now I'm kind of going back into um when they are actually in a relationship, or even if they're not, but I'm too tired to even meet somebody, I'm too tired to have a relationship, or I'm too tired to even feed this relationship, or even nurture it. You know, the fact is that a woman would say, but I am so tired that I I really am tired, but what can I do? How do I get past that? Because yes, we are saying it's a mindset thing, but the reality, physically, I am tired. What do you how do you advise someone like that? What do what's the solution?

SPEAKER_00 11:49

Yeah, definitely. And I definitely acknowledge the physical exhaustion that is real. I don't want to discredit that for anyone. I think there is an element though where your mindset happens where you're physically exhausted, so you make it mean you're also mentally exhausted, and maybe you're also emotionally exhausted and therefore unavailable to the partner, to this person. Where really you don't have to be full of energy to come into a relationship and nurture it. That it's just not necessary, and even thinking like I have to have a full tank to give. Often women are like, I need to give. And it's realizing you don't have to give anything. Oftentimes it's showing up and how you want to show up. So you can show up in peace, you can show up in love, you can be quiet and just listen. Like, there isn't a requirement for you to be giving all of yourself in the moment. There's often just an opportunity to just be with a person, and but it all goes back to what you're thinking in that mindset. If you think you have to give, yeah, I'm exhausted for you too, because that sounds exhausting. But if you're just like, I just get to be, I just get to be who I am right now, and even that that means I get to be tired with this person, it looks completely different. It can be a pleasant, we're both tired together. Totally cool. We're just gonna chill, be, and that's great.

SPEAKER_01 13:19

Yeah, that's that's fantastic advice, actually. Um, because it's it's that whole thing of a woman always feeling that she's got to give, she's got to keep giving. But I like how you said it's just being you. And sometimes it might just, you know, it's the communication, isn't it? It's even just communicating with your partner that see, I am just so exhausted today, you know, because of this has happened. It's really the understanding. And like you said, sometimes just giving love and just being there and not sometimes being silent, just not saying anything, but being there, because you can always tell when someone is there and when someone is absent, um, even if they're physically present. So yeah, I like that. That's that is so true. And I think that is really um big advice that we all need to take on board because a lot of times if a woman you just feel that it's you, you've just got to keep doing and doing, but you don't have to.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

So, no, that that's really and I want to say something else to that. It's interesting. Okay, so the part of being exhausted, I think it's really good to be aware of what's going on in your head before you're you're engaging with this other human. Because a lot of us we're busy, we're tired, our brains are racing. I need to do this, I need to do that, don't forget that. I'm also tired, I need to do this, that, that, that. If you bring that to the relationship, then you're absent. Your thoughts are elsewhere. We're really, if you can just take a second and be, okay, we're gonna set all of that aside, you'll also notice setting all that aside alleves some of the exhaustion because it's exhausting to keep the running lists that we have going on autopilot, just like filling our brain with all the tasks. That actually drains us. So when you want to really be present, being able to be like, okay, I know I have a running to-do list, I'm gonna set it aside for 30 minutes, not even think about it, and just be present to this other human being. And you will actually feel better about that, maybe even a little more energized of okay, I don't have to worry, because worry comes into it too, about all these other things. So it really is just showing up very present that allows you to at least clear mental space to have that energy there.

SPEAKER_01 15:50

Yeah, no, thank you for that. So, how do you or what would you how would you help someone who says that they don't even know what they want in a relationship?

SPEAKER_00 16:40

So I would say that one, they probably do know what they want. At this point, um, I think what happens to a lot of us is after failed relationships, we stop wanting something because we have a clear view of what it is, but we stop wanting it because now we don't think we can get it. So we almost hide it from ourselves. Like, don't think you can actually get married, it's not possible for you anymore. And so we really shove it to the background so that we don't have to experience the pain every time we bring it out and see that we haven't gotten what we've actually wanted. So I would say it's in there, it just needs some thinking and reflection to bring it back out. And then the second thing is for that is if you're struggling to figure out the actual maybe qualities that you want from someone, you maybe have a rough idea of what this person would look like or what they do, these uh characteristics they have, but you're like, I don't know the specifics. Go on dates with people, ask them questions, investigate them, and you'll start to see the qualities come out. And it's interesting when you actually learn how to do this because it's a skill, it's getting to know someone and who they are. Um, you end up seeing character characteristics, attributes of people, and then you get to decide in the moment, oh, I thought it would look different on someone. I thought that was a good character trait. It's actually not because a lot of people who have that character trait might have these other things that come with it. And it's just noticing, like, okay, it's really trial and error. You figure out, you meet people, you see things, and then that picture of what you're looking for actually begins to evolve because you might take away some things, you might add some things, and then you can get really clear on okay, one, I know what I'm looking for, and two, I also through that process, you learn how to ask questions and investigate people so that you can really discover people's true character, their nature. Um, I don't want to say necessarily quickly, as in like it's a quick thing that you get to do, but in an effective way through conversation that is actually meaningful and impactful and not just surface level conversation.

SPEAKER_01 18:57

Yeah, no, thank you. It's really investing time, isn't it? It's being able to really invest time and go, I'm going to, and sometimes we do it at work, but then when it comes to relationships, a lot of people kind of don't feel the need to. And the question is, why? Why, why, why do we treat it differently? Because we'll invest so much time into the work, but not the relationship.

SPEAKER_00 19:25

Yeah, so it's interesting because I think a lot of us end up not wanting to invest too much in a relationship because of the fear of the pain. It's always you're resistant to it because of the negative emotions that might come up. So you're resistant to dating because you're afraid you're going to be rejected. You're afraid it might go well and then you break up. And really, it comes down to humans are driven by wanting to feel one thing or another. So if we don't want to feel the negative emotions, we're just going to avoid the whole situation altogether. We're not going to invest in it. And it's realizing in order to actually create the relationship you want, which is a ton of good emotions, you're going to have to allow the possibility of bad emotions coming up. Like it's just not possible to create great things without there always being a possibility of bad things coming with it.

SPEAKER_01 20:22

Yeah, no, that and that's really true because the way the brain works is that it will try to keep us away from a perceived, you know, from a threat, anything that will cause pain, it will try to keep us away. So, in essence, you know, getting into a relationship could be a lot of pain. So it's easier with work. And the other thing I find interesting just listening to you is we know that with work, you kind of have some form of control. But in a relationship, sometimes because it's very close, it's emotional, you a lot of especially women that are really um kind of quite high in their careers or businesses, because they have that control there, with a relationship, they feel they might not have the control, and then it's easier to avoid it instead of going there and then getting hurt. So it's it's really interesting. So, in terms of you know, a professional woman, a business owner, or someone that is has really invested so much time into the relationship, how do how will they know when they need a relationship coach? When, when, how, what how do they actually recognize and go, okay, no, you know what? I need a coach now.

SPEAKER_00 21:43

I would say it's for when you end up realizing you're not creating what you want to create in your relationship. Um, you know, a lot of people, it's like you've read the books, you've listened to the podcast, and you've made these changes, but you're just not getting what you want. Uh, that's when a coach is necessary because really it's knowing that like you can do a lot of self-coaching, self-reflection, but you can't see your blind spots. And having me coach you, it's like I'm gonna see all the blind spots and point them out to you so that we can start working on those things. And that's where it's really when you see that your relationship is stalling, feeling stuck, or you're in singleness and you are feeling stuck because you're just like, I don't want to date anymore. It's just this repeat thing. That's when it's time to be like, okay. There's something I know I can't see exactly what it is, but there's something going on. I need someone else to kind of come in, help me see what's going on so that I can make the changes to actually create what I'm looking for.

SPEAKER_01 22:48

Yeah, no, that's that's that's great. Thank you. Now, for someone who is in a relationship but having real issues, and the partner, or let's assume her partner isn't interested, interested in actually doing anything to make things work, what's what does she do?

SPEAKER_00 23:12

So I would say, first and foremost, when you're in a relationship that you feel like your partner isn't willing to put in the work anymore, stop worrying about your partner, start worrying about you. Relationships can change with one person changing. Like that you changing on your own can be so impactful for your relationship. It will change the decisions you're making, how you're showing up, how you end up feeling, what you put out there, what you're willing to receive. So even if I always want to be like, leave that person out of it, we're not gonna work on him. We're working on you because the goal is you feeling good about the relationship, you feeling good about how you're showing up. So it's really just it's hard because you think if we both work on this together, it'll get easier. But really, even if you're both working on it, you both have to do your own work.

unknown 24:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:12

So it's really go back to yourself. That's where you have all the control.

SPEAKER_01 24:17

Oh my gosh, that is so that is a drop mic one. That is so good because so many times you hear people going, oh, we've got to go to counseling together, we've got to go to coaching together, I need him to come with me. And the fact is, no, it's you first. And I love what you said. One person, it just takes one person to make a relationship work. Sometimes you don't need both of you. If you can change, then most times you might find that the other person actually changes because you have changed. So, yeah, no, thank you so much for that. Because it's I find that it's always a barrier to a lot of women in particular, because they feel that the other person isn't ready, the other person is not interested. So, what's the point? But the fact is that you can do it, just you. The keys focus on you first, you know, get you where you need to be, then you can deal with the other person. Because, like you said, you can only control yourself, you cannot control somebody else. So, no, that is absolutely fantastic. I love that, I love that. So, in terms of what you do, um do you have any case study that you want to tell us about that about someone that came to you that was absolutely in a dreadful place, and then you enable them to get to a good place?

SPEAKER_00 25:44

Yeah, so uh one person that comes to mind, um, she came to me, she's divorced, she has a kid, she uh is single, she's wanting to date. And so what we ended up doing was really working on what she was attracting because she was from a smaller community, she had always dated in this community, and she was struggling with the fact that her husband, her ex-husband, and all of her previous people she had dated, everybody knew everybody. So there was always somebody able to give you the details about that person and a family member verifying who they are. And so now she said, I don't want to date in this community, I want to go outside of it. And she was like, but no one's gonna be able to verify who this person is, so there's a lot of trust issues going on. So what we ended up doing was really working on her ability to trust and redefining what she was attracting so that she could be that person that people would attract to her that were actually coming to her. And I love it because she started to attract those people that she wanted to attract. Exactly who she wanted to attract started popping up for her. And the beautiful thing about this, I believe for everyone, there's multiple matches out there for you when you don't have a scarcity mindset that, oh, I just have to choose this one, this is going to be the last one. You get to really sit there and decide like, does this person actually match me? I mean, they have some great attributes, but I don't think I want them, or maybe I do want them. And that's where she was getting to. She was able to say yes or no to these people coming now to her. And I was like, this is amazing, you're doing it. This is exactly what I help people do. You start to attract exactly what you want. So you get to have the choice, the continuous choice of who you want to create a relationship with.

SPEAKER_01 27:41

Wow, that is that is good because you I you do hear so many women say it that I'm attracting the wrong kind of people, I'm attracting the people that I really don't want to be attracting, you know. So that's really interesting. No, thanks for sharing that. So, yeah, we're coming to the end now. And um, can you just tell us where people can find you, your website, and actually how you work with people? So, what's the process?

SPEAKER_00 28:08

Yeah, so you can find me. My website is tavishmwilliams.com. I am also on Instagram, Tavish M Williams Coaching. Um, and really it is signing up for a call with me on my website. There's a work with Tavish page. Sign up for a call and we'll talk about kind of where you are, where you're wanting to go, and the steps that will need to happen in order for you to create the relationship that you're looking for. Um, I work with people for six months at a time, and we will talk every week. You have unlimited access to me. So I'm really hands-on. I want you to get the results that you're looking for.

SPEAKER_01 28:51

Well, thank you so much. And I'm going to drop all the details in the description as well. So, Tavish, one last advice to our listeners. What will you tell them?

SPEAKER_00 29:03

I would say this decisions are how you create the life you have. So if you don't like the life you have right now, it means you need to make different choices for your future. And you can start today by looking at what you have and deciding whether you like these choices, whether you like what you have and saying, I want to change my choice on this.

SPEAKER_01 29:24

Oh, thank you so much. And the fact is that because you can change it, you don't have to remain or kind of just live with what you have. If you want to change it, you have got a choice and you can do it. So thank you so much. That's a great advice to end this on with. So thank you so much, Tavish. And um, I'm sure hopefully our listeners will get in touch with you. Anyone that really needs a relationship coach, please do contact Tavish. Have that conversation, have the consultation call and just see how it goes. But don't just do nothing. Thank you again. Thank you so much, Maureen. Okay, three things before we finish today. Have you subscribed to this podcast? If you haven't, make sure you click that subscribe button wherever you listen to this podcast. Because once you subscribe, you will not miss an episode. And as usual, if you have a topic you would love me to speak about or bring a guest on, do let me know by leaving a review. Finally, do have a fantastic week and remember that you are limitless. So I look forward to seeing you in our next episode. Bye for now.