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Hey there, Mauriciana here again, founder of the Mindsites Academy, neuro coach to executives, leaders, educators, entrepreneurs, and a neuroleadership trainer using insights from neuroscience to help you flourish and exceed expectations. Welcome back to another episode of Lead to Excel Podcast, a show designed to equip you with knowledge to understand the science of your brain and to enable you unlock your leadership potentials by giving you the tools that will enable you to rewire your brain so that you can flourish, excel, and achieve high performance in every area of your life. I am so thrilled to be with you today because today we're talking about getting over relationship breakup. And my focus in this podcast is really looking at the science of overcoming a breakup. Aristotle said it's during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. Most people have felt anxious, depressed, traumatized, grief stricken, hopeless, and even guilt at some point in their life. I've had my fair share of all of these emotions. But the fact is that how you respond to these challenges will make all the difference in how you feel, not just immediately, but in the long run. An unexpected, unwanted, or even anticipated breakup can cause considerable psychological distress. Doing this podcast really came from a lot of people asking me the questions how do I get over a breakup? How do I get over some form of loss? Now, in this podcast, I'm really focusing more on getting over a breakup, but the fact is that you can still use the same principles to get over grief as well. But I will explain it as I go along. When you're going through a breakup, you may feel as if you've been kicked in the stomach or blindsided and knocked down. Feelings of sadness, rejection, self-doubt, and hopelessness kick in. You may find yourself in the fetal position on the sofa for days on end, curtains drawn, phones unanswered, constantly wiping the snot and tears from your face. Friends and family that mean well then come and tell you to pull yourself together, get over it, forget him or her, move on. But the fact is that it's not easy to get over a breakup. Let's start by looking at the way the brain processes breakups. The emotional pain of a breakup and physical pain have something in common. They both activate the same part of the brain. Decreased activity in areas of the brain such as the insular anterior and posterior cingulate cortices are not to be associated with the experience of pain. The function of pain is to alert us to physical danger or harm so that we can basically protect ourselves. One's chances of avoiding predators are much higher as part of a group than alone. Therefore, for our early ancestors, social rejection may have been an actual threat to physical survival. For some people, it's actually really difficult to let go of a relationship, even a really bad relationship, and move on. Now, I must say here that I'm not advocating for breakups. I will actually do a podcast soon on how to build good relationships, actually using the skills of emotional intelligence and how the brain works, because I personally feel now that a lot of breakups don't need to take place. There are a lot of ways in which you can actually save a relationship from breaking up by changing your thoughts there, by changing emotions and then actually changing expectations as well, and making a lot of changes that will enable you to maintain your happiness and joy, but also being able to maintain the happiness and joy in a relationship. But having said that, there are times that a relationship does need to break up or does break up without your consent, and this is what I'm focusing on today. So it's where a relationship has actually broken up due to one reason or another. One thing I would emphasize here again is that thoughts occupy mental real estate in the brain. Science has shown us that our emotions, the choices we make, the words we speak, and the actions that we take all start in our thoughts, and our thoughts generate our emotions. These thoughts are creatively wired in our brain through chemical and electromagnetic impulses. So basically, every thought, every memory is connected to emotion. They're intertwined, and you might want to write that down. Every thought, every memory is connected to emotion. They're literally intertwined. So looking at what I call obsessive thinking, this is one of the symptoms you experience when you're going through a relationship breakup. Research has also shown that some people who have recently been rejected by their partners often develop obsessive thinking. Recently on YouTube, I stumbled upon a lady whose partner had worked out on her, and one of the things that she said was that she was constantly thinking of him, wondering if he was missing their relationship, whether he was regretting working out. These thoughts or feelings of loss may be triggered by places that you used to go together, meeting common friends that you had, holidays are also a big trigger, and literally everyday rituals that you shared together. In one study, biological anthropologist Helen Fisher of Rogers University recruited brave participants who held still in a functional MRI scanner while they looked at pictures of the person who had recently dumped them. These participants exhibited increased brain activity in several regions of the brain associated with reward, motivation, addiction, and obsessive-compulsive disorder, which helps to explain why you might struggle to let go after a romantic relationship ends. Your brain does not like uncertainty. It would rather do what it is familiar with even when that is not in your best interest. This is why it's easier for many people to stay in abusive relationships rather than seek help. Getting stuck in unhelpful behaviors, holding grudges, and engaging in unproductive worrying all cause immense suffering. The anterior cingulate gyrus in the brain, deep in the frontal lobes of the brain, is a gear shifter that allows you to move from thought to thought or idea to idea. When this part of the brain is functioning well, you are flexible and adaptable, and you can easily shift your attention and learn from experiences. But when it's overactive, you can get stuck on negative thoughts. So like obsessions or even behaviors like addictions. This is where you say no, even when saying yes may be good for you. And you find that you start noticing what is wrong a lot more often than you notice what is actually right. When I talk to people that are going through problems in relationships, this is one of the areas that you work on because one of the symptoms is that you start noticing a lot of wrong in the person or a lot of things a person does wrong, and things like that start irritating you. So dealing with a breakup is equivalent to dealing with a trauma. You may go through periods of avoiding the emotional pain and being able to distract yourself, and then periods of being flooded by intense feelings and obsessive thoughts. There also seems to be a gender difference in that men are more likely to distract and avoid feelings by getting back to their normal routine and keeping busy, while women are more likely to obsess and ruminate. Men tend to compartmentalize their emotions, which allows them to shelf emotional issues, and they are slower to process and react to emotions. They are able to separate events in their minds, providing a different perspective on an issue. Women, on the other hand, use more of their brain for emotional processing, and you see greater activity in the amygdala, which is the emotional part of the brain, than in the male brain. For women, emotions tend to blend together. So emotions from different events spill over into each other, whereby one event affects another event, and this is what then creates a lot of the problems and being stuck in that place of grief or pain. Men operate in a more action emotional pattern where they walk through emotions internally and then express themselves through goal setting or just taking action or just literally burying themselves in work. Instead of women stopping and thinking about emotions, they tend to process them on the go, building one on top of the other. This tends to lead to emotions spiraling into a never-ending cycle of analysis and anxiety. This is what leads women to spending so much time thinking about what went wrong or what they could have done differently, like I said previously. So let's look at love and the brain. Still on the brain here. The human brain loves love. Being in love takes the lead off the happy hormones. So dopamine and oxytocin, and the brain just beds itself in the bliss. Being in love creates a positive chemical reaction that causes you to be physically healthier than feeling alone. Lack of love and affirmation can actually cause physical sickness. When the person you love leaves or your relationship breaks down, the supply of these feel-good hormones takes a dive and the brain releases stress hormones such as cortisol and epinephrine. In small doses, stress hormones are heroic, ensuring that we respond quickly and effectively to any form of threat or anything that it perceives as a threat. However, in times of long-term distress, such as a broken heart, the stress hormones accumulate and this is where they then end up causing problems and health issues and mental health problems. So here's what's behind the physical symptoms of a breakup. Too much cortisol in the brain sends blood to the major muscle groups in the body. They tense up ready to respond to the threat, which is the fight, flight, or freeze mechanism. However, without real need for a physical response, the muscles have no opportunity to expend this energy. So muscles end up swelling and then give rise to headaches, stiff neck, and that awful feeling of your chest being squeezed or being tightened. There is a steady release of cortisol, and this might end up causing sleep problems, sleep deprivation, andor breaking up of your sleep, and which will then interfere with your capacity to make sound judgments and make effective decisions. Breakups activate the area of your brain that processes craving and addiction. So losing a relationship can throw you into a type of withdrawal, which is why it's hard to function when you're going through such pain. And you might find that you ache for your ex sometimes literally, and you can't get him or her out of your head like any addiction. But the fact is that this will end up passing, and you can see from all these symptoms, the result is that it then has an impact on anything you're doing. This will then have an impact on your work. It could have an impact on every aspect of your life, your health as well. In a relationship, your mind, your body, and the core of you adjust to being intimately connected to someone. When that someone leaves, the brain has to readjust. The pain can be relentless, but eventually the body chemistry changes back to normal and then the hurt will diminish. Getting through a breakup is as much as a physical process as an emotional one. And it's important that you remember this and know that it will get easier. The key is to keep on going, you get there in the end. So now I'm going to give you some tips to help you bounce back after the breakup. And the first thing we're going to look at is resilience. Optimism helps people overcome anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and relationship problems. Here are some ideas. Okay, the first one is listen to your explanation of the situation that you're going through. Are you seeing yourself or referring to yourself or behaving in such a way that you come across as powerful or a victim? Do you have control or no control? Is this situation permanent or do you see it as being temporary? Pessimists describe bad things as permanent and perversive and good things as temporary. While optimists describe things in just the reverse, the bad as temporary and the good as permanent and perversive. So the key here is change your language and feelings around the situation that you're facing. You can stop being a victim, take control wherever possible, and understand that challenges are usually temporary. Strive to take control of your life. Be forward thinking and see possibilities. A huge study involving more than 97,000 people found that those who were optimistic had significantly lower heart disease than those who were pessimistic. Your health matters. You might expect waves of strong emotion, such as anger, for the ex-partner in the initial period. Do not expect yourself to immediately be able to just get over it and move on, like many people expect you to do or tell you to do. Give yourself time for your feelings in the first few weeks. Distraction and self-care activities also help. Just do something that you enjoy. It could be a spa day with friends, could be going partying, going to the theater. Just do something that you'll enjoy. What you're doing, in essence, is getting your cognitive brain back into action to enable you actually make the right decisions and think about what you're thinking and just making sure that what you're thinking is actually real. Conditioning theory would suggest that places, people or activities associated with the ex-partner might be particularly likely to trigger intense emotions. So you may want to avoid these for a while and just try to develop some new routines for yourself. And even sometimes making new friends. If your feelings are too intense to manage alone, or if you find yourself coping in unhealthy ways, you should speak to someone. Speak to a coach, a therapist, a counselor, a friend or family member. But also, I must say here, speak to the right person. Be careful who you go to for help, and that's very important. Being emotionally intelligent, so being aware of what you're feeling is the start of your healing process. And that's and that's why I said knowing when to ask for help, you know, knowing what you can do yourself, and then knowing when to just speak to someone or ask for help. And it might even mean just making sure that you're not staying on your own a lot and thinking, you notice that your body it picks up a lot of what your brain is doing. You suddenly find that either your energy is going low or you're feeling low. Just think about what you're thinking and then take an action to get you out of that state. The second thing is filling the void. One crucial aspect of recovery from heartache is getting over the void feeling. A lot of times after a breakup, you find that your social circle might diminish, your activities will most likely change, your physical space changes. For example, their stuff might no longer be there. Some of the things that you did as a couple, you no longer do, and the list just goes on. A significant part of the emotional pain that you feel after a breakup is usually related to these other losses and the ripple effects that go beyond the loss of the actual person. So finding ways to recognize these voids and filling them is an important task of recovery from the breakup. So, how do you eliminate the hurt? Nicole Reed in her book, Running News, says that sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the most wonderful things that will ever happen to us. Danielle Ayman says the brain you bring into a trauma will often determine the life that comes out of it. So don't block your painful feelings. Let the feelings of hurt wash over you. Cry or scream, and then reflect on the thoughts that underlie the feelings to see if they're actually real, if they're true. Avoiding painful thoughts, feelings, and memories creates more harm than good in the long run. Many research studies have shown that avoidance increases the likelihood of a host of psychological issues such as depression, stress, anxiety disorders, binge eating, chronic pain, and reduced work performance as well, and a lot more. Whenever you feel overwhelmed with the feelings of grief or loss, one thing you could do is write out your feelings or find a friend or therapist you can speak to. And what you're doing in essence is now creating new memories or actually arresting the emotional center at that point so that you can start what I call rewiring your brain. This can help bring perspective, which often gets lost during emotional crisis. Blocking your feelings leads to engaging in negative behaviors to deal with the excess negative emotional energy. So it's so important that you stay in control of your brain. Your brain will do its own thing if you leave it to, and what it will do, as creative as the brain is, most times will not be to your benefit because it will start focusing on a lot of the negatives, a lot of what if whys, and things that are not helpful that will then keep taking. You're down that road of intense negative emotions that creates distress, and then it takes longer to get over the breakup or situation. So you've got to be intentional. Overcoming grief from a breakup takes time, like I said previously, it is grieving, a loss. Because as humans, we are wired for connection. We become attached to others because that helps us to survive and thrive. When someone we are attached to goes away, either by death or by choice, our emotional brains become overfired through looking for him or her, leaving us vulnerable to depression. Therefore, to overcome grief, overcome loss, you must be intentional. Healing will be easier if your brain is better. So just be watchful to the thoughts that you're having, but also behaviors that are either helping you heal or they're actually preventing your healing. So a few simple steps to help you. Start as soon as possible to do these things I've said. People may tell you to wait, but the question is: if you fell and broke your leg, when would you want to start healing? Isn't it immediately? So there's no advantage to putting off the healing process. Have a routine that keeps your brain healthy. It's especially important to eat healthy as well, exercise and sleep well. This tip is from Daniel Amen. It's and he says, discover what was left unsaid, unfinished, and write it down. That way it will not keep spinning endlessly in your mind. Talk to others about what you wish had been different so you can learn from the experience. This is just so important in every aspect of what we do. In every situation or challenge that you're going through, find out what you can learn from the process. There's no point in beating yourself up about what has what has happened or what has passed. Instead, reflect on it and just focus on what you can do differently so that next time you can implement them. The other tip here is reach out for social support. I always say this we are social beings, we're built for connection. Therapy and friends can help you overcome relationship grief. When you find yourself getting anxious or short of breath, belly breathing can help you calm down and just help you catch your breath and put a break on that emotional center that is hijacking your brain. Deal with triggers as they come up. Getting triggered is particularly common, especially if the breakup came as a shock or you've been together for a very long time. Whenever you get triggered by things like anniversary, birthdays, holidays, places used to visit together and so forth, allow it to wash over you. Cry if you need to cry and let yourself be grateful for the memory, but make sure to correct any negative thoughts that tag along with the painful feelings. This is you being in control of your brain and rewiring every negative thought, rewiring your brain in the process. Be patient. No one does grief perfectly. I'm going to give you this as a bonus because I think it's really important that sometimes we know what to say to somebody who is going through a loss or grief or breakup of some sort. And I just love this from Dr. Amen as well. So, some of the things not to say to a grieving person, how are you doing? Because this may come across as being dismissive of what he or she is going through. Another thing not to say is you'll be okay after a while. I understand how you feel. The fact is that you cannot understand how the person feels because you're different. And this is also important in terms of showing someone empathy. Because to show someone empathy, and I'm going to do this because I just did a training session on empathy, and it's interesting how a lot of people don't actually understand what empathy is or how to show empathy or what to do. So another thing not to say is you shouldn't feel that way. Oh, stop crying. Aren't you over him yet? Or another one is there's a reason for everything. Don't, please. Now let's look at some things that could that would be helpful to someone who's experiencing love, loss, or grief. I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I had the right words. Please know I care and I'm here for you. You and your loved ones are in my prayers. I can't imagine how you feel. Then be quiet and just see if they if they will tell you about their feelings, see if they want to talk. Another thing to say is, I can't imagine how you feel. Another good thing to use to help someone is I'm just telling them that you're here for them. And then asking if there's anything specific that they need. Ask if you can even make phone calls or emails on their behalf. In concluding here, one thing I'll say is be empathetic. It's okay for you to show feelings to someone who is going through loss. Continue connecting even after a few months. Many people are inundated with cards and calls or visits after a few weeks, but then when they need support after, you don't see anyone. And finally, I'll say here emotional intelligence can save your relationship. Think about your last argument with your partner. See the big picture. Approach sensitive issues in a calm or rational way. Also respond in a way that diffuses volatile situations. Using emotional intelligence to deal with disagreements can turn potentially destructive conversations into opportunities to learn. And it will also help you and your partner discover new ways of working together. Thank you for tuning in. And remember, the key for you as a leader, as an individual to achieve high performance, to have the lifestyle you want is to be in control of your brain. And to be in control of your brain, you need to know how to manage your emotions, understand your emotions, be aware of what you're thinking, so that you are the one in the driver's seat of your life. You are the one controlling what your brain is doing and not letting it do its own thing. Remember to subscribe to this podcast by clicking on the subscribe button wherever you listen to this podcast, so that basically you don't miss an episode. I'll also kindly ask you to leave a review or even tell me any topic that you want me to talk about in future. Next week is anti-bullying week. So our podcast next week is going to be on anti-bullying. So watch out for that and don't miss it. I'll be looking at anti-bullying in the workplace and also in schools. Have a fantastic week, and I look forward to seeing you in the next episode. See you soon.